Is Restless Syle really supposed to be a high end fashion magazine?  Because honestly I can’t tell.

And finally, this gem:

I see what you did there Mr. Abbott.  Billy better enjoy this while it lasts, because once the ’stache comes back from his two months vacation, “That’s yo ass Mr. Postman!”

Adam comes to Ashley’s room, asking if it’s alright that she closes the door as she…closes the door before his answer. Crazy eyes abound, and did Eileen get a haircut while I was boycotting her story? Oh, the things you miss.

Lily’s at chemo with Cane and the more they talk the more my ears fill up with sugar. Cane tells her he’s gonna give her the truth and, boy, do I not believe THAT.

Jack calls Sharin in…wherever she is asking if he can stop by. Boy stop. Desperation does not look good on you, Smilin’ Jack.

Phick are talking about how Summer should make a full recovery and become less “special.” Damn it! What do I have to live for now??

Noah’s visiting Sharin. YES! THE RETURN OF CRAZY FACE SHARIN!

Noah tries to be encouraging as she rambles on about books, smiling and nodding the way you do when faced with a chatty toddler.

Mikey can probably get the psych eval done at the ranch, but unless Jack backs off the court order, there’s nothing he can do. Upstairs Vic breaks the news about her being committed as Adam lurks outside.

Back at Chemo, Lily asks Cane to tell her a story, since he always has such good ones. I think we all got a good chuckle at that line. He tells her this wack story about this guy named Lane – gag me with a spoon, plz – and the…cattle mafia? Seriously? The reason Cane can’t go back to Australia is because the cattle mafia will kill him. That is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long ass time.

Sharin’s reading as Phyll comes to visit, then asks if she came by to see if Nick was there or to gloat. Phyllis comes to tell Sharin to watch out for reporters. CrazyFace takes a seat while rubbing her belly, saying that the two of them have been fine so far. She almost seems to be angling herself to push her stomach out more, directing it toward Phyllis in some sort of silent taunt about how she’s carrying Phyll’s husband’s child. That was probably too deep of a body language analysis for the kind of goofy ass recaps we do but, seriously, watch that scene and see what you think.

Jack and Ashley talk upstairs. He feels like he has no choice but to have this psych eval since she didn’t even remember John’s Deathiversary. Billy and Traci agree that she needs help, and Ashley tells him that if he doesn’t call off the court order, he’ll lose a sister. Jack’s willing to take that risk, as he’ll lose her if he doesn’t see this through. And unfortunately for ME, this scene is too well acted for me to make fun of, gotdamn it!

Michael’s doing that thing again where he’s running around trying to put out everyone else’s fires, and apologizes to Lauren about not following through with setting boundaries. Lauren calls him a big marshmellow, and Mike grumbles. I’m kinda glad Likey is The One Happy Couple because Lauren would be well within her rights to kick off a “You tend to everyone’s needs but mine so why should I stick around?” storyline. Michael and Lauren are totally the Ice-T and Coco of Y&R.

Now Sharin and Phyllis are sitting down chatting, but there’s still that whole undertone of “Bitch, I still hate you, don’t get it twisted.”

Jack and Victor argue about Ashley. Victor thinks if everyone just leaves Ashley alone she’ll be fine, and Jack is like “WTF have you met the woman upstairs?”

Adam and Ashley are hella creepy. Apparently she has Stockholm syndrome and he’s starting to fall for her. WTFFFFFFFFFFF?

Next time on Y&R: Hell, I don’t know. Can I get some brain bleach for this Adam/Ashley tomfoolery?

At some point Ashley gets dressed and meets up her brothers at the ranch. They want her to go to the cemetery with them but Ash is suspicious of their motives. She doesn’t believe that they’re only there for John’s deathiversary. She hisses at Jack for using their father’s death to manipulate her but Jack and Billy reiterate that they just want what’s best for her.

Ash’s already teetering over the edge when Sabrina appears in front of her, making her even more crazy. Jack and Billy try to ease her off the ledge but it doesn’t work. She can see that they’re questioning her sanity and she hates it. But to be frank, her crazy eyes aren’t helping matters at all. The brothers look sorrowfully at their sister and tell her that they love her and they just want her to be okay. They both leave the house and Jack promises Billy that he’ll figure out how to help her.

Jack makes his way over to the GCAC and has a heart-to-heart with his daddy about Ashley being out of touch with reality. He’s completely ignoring the fact that he’s currently talking to a ghost in the middle of a restaurant. Something tells me the writers didn’t exactly think this one through … which means it’s just another day at CBS.

Meanwhile, the Scoobies (spell-check, btw, desperately wants me to call them Scabies) are doing what they do best and that’s being utterly pointless. Kevin’s telling Daniel that Ryder’s legit and he also could be his brother. As they’re talking, Agent who-gives-a-beep walks into the coffee shop and informs Danny and Jana that the charges against them will probably be dropped. Kevin and Jana celebrate but Daniel wants to keep digging until he can uncover what Deacon really wants.

Speaking of Deacon, he’s in the middle of proposing to Amber. Sidebar: It’s incredible how Amber continues to fail as a soap heroine considering her name sounds like something straight out of a romance novel. Ambrosia Moore? She was either named by hookers or Johanna Lindsey.

As she and Deacon are discussing the state of their relationship there’s a knock at the door. It’s Danielle! I seriously cannot get over the shirt he’s wearing. Why does he love dressing like a teenage girl? He tells Deacon that he’s going to find out what Deacon really wants because he couldn’t be doing this just for Amber. Way to throw her under the bus there, Danny.

Abby and CC are chatting at the Brad house when CC asks Abby not to say anything about her macking on JT. Abby’s all, “It’s all good. I’d hit it too.” Abby leaves to go get her mother and CC heads out to visit John’s grave with Billy.

After Billy brings CC home they reminisce about John. He tells her that being with his first love (Mac) is the best thing that’s ever happened to him (Whatever writers. Maybe one day you’ll show us instead of telling us.) and as CC thinks about JT she says that she completely understands. You know, I quite enjoy Billy and CC’s relationship. Completely inappropriate chemistry and all.

Over at CL, JT and Boretoria are going through the motions pretending that they didn’t makeout with other people the night before. They bicker over the MJ debacle until Paul arrives. Boretoria leaves and Paul gets to business. He wants to see the note that MJ left JT. Paul thinks that there may be some connection between MJ and the ‘Stache. JT knows something’s off.

And what’s off is the fact that some skeezy paparazzo has taken pictures of JT kissing CC. The ’Stache buys the pictures and calls Boretoria in order to rat on her husband. And Boretoria is not impressed. To think that JT had the nerve to do exactly what she was doing the night before. Everyone knows that Newman’s are the only ones allowed to have extra-marital fun time. Victoria gets up and leaves the club to confront CC.

Next on Y&R:

Q-Tip and Kevin are talking about how Q-Tip smoked somebody or whatever. Q-Tip gets spooked and decides to leave. He’s never told anyone else that he’s killed someone. Kevin wants to know why he chose him to confess to? Well that would be because you’re the only one he’s playing, currently.

Chance and Kate are on their date and, oh, this scene I’m bound to hate. I figured I might as well roll with that since Kate rhymes with date, but I don’t have the commitment or the attention span to make a rhyme of this whole scene. Anyway, apparently her nights used to consist of hitting up clubs with her fake friends and going to some diner for chili and cheesecake at 4am.

Now, as someone who has found their way to a diner (usually Denny’s, let’s keep it really real) post-bar/club on more than one occasion, I cannot imagine craving something heavy like chili with a stomach full of whatever vodka based drinks I’ve had during the night. So I’m giving this broad major side-eye.

Anyway.

Kate must be bored out of her mind because she spots Hamber and invites her over and soon enough she’s sitting at their table, third-wheeling it up. Kate starts going on to Chance about how Hamber and Daniel are gonna have insanely creative children when Hamber informs her that they’ve broken up. Awwwkwaaaard!

Jolleen apologize for kissing each other, even though they both liked it. They don’t actually say that but, subtext!

JT goes onto give a little speech about how he can’t see his life without Victoria, which would probably make me swoon if I gave a damn about the pairing. CC promises to be more respectful and he leaves in time for Abby to arrive.

Jana and Kevin discuss Q-Tip, and I’m glad he doesn’t try to lie his way out of saying that the two of them talked about a murder. They wonder if Q-Tip was the third guy in the alley, and Jana’s all ready to call the police but Kevin snatches the phone from her.

Victor’s trying to get Ashley to talk to him, but she won’t open the door and finally he kicks it down kung-fu style!

She was ignoring him because she didn’t want to talk, but Vic pleads with her to not shut him out. Please, baby, baby, please! His begging would work better for him if he had some Keith Sweat on.

We’re back where we left off with Kevin and Jana, arguing about Q-Tip. Kevin brings up his past, and Jana reminds him that Q-Tip knows his whole story and that he’s being played. I…someone on this show has a brain? I feel uncomfortable.

Daniel threatens to kick the door down – what is it with doors being kicked in today? – so Deacon gets up and lets him in so they can start shouting about that damn painting. Daniel’s ready to roll on Deacon when Hamber rushes over and informs him that dude is a black belt, but her boy is stubborn and tries to go for some anyway just to end up in some sort of arm-lock, and just in time for Chance to show up and arrest him. On a shallow note, Hamber looks really nice today! I think it’s the lack of clown lipstick. Cookie for you!

Downstairs, Chance is talking to the manager and convinces him that Daniel won’t be a problem. Kate stalks over, asking if Chance let Daniel go because they’re friends. They are? Kate asks what he’s gonna do about Hamber, and Dan snaps that she’s not his problem anymore.

Upstairs, Deacon promises Hamber that he can get Dan off the hook – if she marries him.

Victoria and JT promise to work on their marriage and keep Victor out of it. Which will totally work since the guy who’s been tailing JT is about to show Victor pics of the Jolleen kiss. Whoops!

Next on Y&R:

Kneel is being rather overbearing as per usual but I see where he’s coming from. It’s a common situation. Someone you care about is dating a real dick. Time and time again you try to make her see the light because he’s hurt her before and you know he’ll hurt her again but she keeps taking him back. She’s so in it; she’s so wrapped up in this person that there’s really nothing that you can say to make her see it. She has to decide for herself. Neil is on shaky ground. The more he pushes, the more she’ll pull away.

This is Lily’s life and for all she knows this could be it for her. And at her age, she not only has to make her own decisions, she has a right to make those decisions. Neil is a worried father and from the little he knows about Ethan, I don’t blame him but this is Lily’s choice. Even if it leads to heartbreak perhaps that small pocket of happiness will be enough. Lily wants positive reinforcement right now and Neil finally relents and promises to be there for her no matter what.

That wrapped up, she and her douche’band head out and Tyred walks in in her crappy wig trying to apologize for hooking up with her pseudo-nephew. She says it’s time for her and Ana to go and I say, bon voyage! It’s an amicable parting for the most part which hopefully means she won’t be back but if she and Ana come back, Ana better be a 16 year old. The teen storyline needs some help.

Over at the house where the seventies died, Fillip is telling Lily about his “real life”. I wake up long enough to hear him say something about pretending to be a gay man in Australia and then fall back asleep only to tune in again to hear Lily thank him for finally “introducing her to the man she married.”
Keep aiming high, Lily. Keep aiming high.

Amber’s at Mikey and Lauren’s house trying to use their office because Danielle’s still hating on her. Mikey informs her that the charges against Danielle have not been dropped so she comes up with a plan to get close to Deacon. Mikey & Lauren are all, “Uh bad idea,” and Amber pretends to listen to their sound advice before she goes out to see Deacon.

Kevin’s having a good hair day on his anniversary date and so is Jana until she dons her anniversary present:
Did a Bad Wig Emporium open recently in GC? My God.

For the event Kevin decorated CL like the Ashram where they got married but it seriously looks like something Willy Wonka threw up. Kevin promises that it’ll be smooth sailings from here on in … Except there’s the whole chipmunk business and his affinity to Ryder – the guy who’s trying to destroy his best friend and well, the fact that he’s Kevin.

From wedded “bliss” to marital disharmony. JT & Boretoria are arguing over Victor again. JT informs her that he thinks the ‘Stache is behind bringing MJ to town but Boretoria, still straight up her daddy’s ass, accuses her boy of trying to turn her against her father. It’s straight up crazy talk but those pregnant lady hormones are a doozy. She storms out and heads over to the GCAC where she can drink with a more refined crowd.

Once she leaves, CC moves in for the kill. She claims to have a flat tire and since she needs a ride home, JT offers to be her chauffeur. The ‘Stache’s henchman, who’s been following JT around all night, is waiting outside CC’s house with a camera trying to catch JT doing something shady and well…

Meanwhile, Deacon’s making his own move at the GCAC telling Boretoria that he sold the painting and he needs her to see the paperwork. Upstairs. In his pants. Okay, so he doesn’t say that exactly but whatever, they makeout.Umm, MAB? Please explain how a couple goes from super boring marital togetherness to making out with other people in the span of a few days. I’ll wait.

And then…some other stuff happened but meh…

Next on Y&R:

So how exactly did this great love affair begin?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Since Maria only brings out the Winters once a month, I have no idea where this story came from.  There was no buildup, no coherent dialogue, no…you know, storytelling.    From what I can deduce though, Tyra and Devon start out arguing.  How cute.

Next these two had a bitch off.

Close call.  I think I’m gonna give it to Tyra since it appears she’s on her way off canvas.  By Tyra!  Too bad Maria didn’t bring you on as a viable character.  Eva, too bad you became a part of a show where the head writer can’t write.  Oh well girl.  You’re going home to a hawt man.  Tell Lance I say haaaaay!

I guess the bitch off was foreplay, because this happened next:

Yeah Roxy, I don’t get it either.  This is nasty.

Over on the old people side of town:

Jeffrey and Gloria are still trying to make that money.  And their latest scheme involves capturing Carmen Sandiego– er, I mean, Mary Jane Benson– er, I mean Patty Williams, and turning her over to the mustache. These two don’t know who they’re messing with.  This woman is an animal killer.  Enough said.

p.s.  Mutt and Jeff– er, I mean Glo and Jeff, how about you two try this if you need money.  GET JOBS!

Still on the old people side of town:

Idiot Mackenzie has taken Carmen back under her wing.  Since MJ is hellbent on murder, why can’t she take this one out?  Is that too much to ask?

And the old people are having a meeting.  Why do these people all look the same age?  Anywho, Phillip is laughing his arse off about how Assby can’t return to Australia.  And Mac’s all, “Oooh, you have a secret.  Tell me!”  And Assby’s all, “Phillip why you gotta out a playa like that?”  Now, basing this off Phillip’s nonchalance about Assby’s secret, I’m guessing that it’s something that’s more embarrassing for Assby, than it is character ruining.  I’m putting it out there now, I think he has a wife and ten kids living on the outback.  I’m just saying.

And this is why I can’t be a fan of Billy and Mac.  This HO hires her man’s arch nemesis to work at her bar.  Now I don’t know about you, but if I had a man, that was supposedly the love of my life, I wouldn’t hire the man he HATES, to work at my place of business.  And he better not hire any HOs I hate to work at his.  It’s called love, people.  You consider your significant other’s feelings before you do things.  And of course Assby is looking smug in the background, because that’s what he does best.  Oh Mac, girlfriend, you’re pushing your man right back into the arms of Kate.  It’s no wonder Billy’s having a difficult time choosing between the two women.   Neither one of them are prizes.

Ahh, old minority row…

Lily’s being an idiot.  Neil is dropping anvils.

Lily is being a brat. Neil is dropping anvils.

Assby is being an ass.  Neil is dropping anvils.

Lily has her head stuck up Assby’s ass.  And Assby is doing what he does best, lying.

Over on the dysfunctional side of town:

Chloe and Billy are talking about divorce.  It’s about time.  But here’s the thing, Billy boy, if you’re sooo into Mac, why did Kate have to bring up the word divorce?  Playa I think you’re conflicted.  Make up your damn mind!

Kate is still playing games, because that’s all she knows how to do.  She tells Billy that all she ever wanted for Delia was for her to have two parents, brothers and sisters, a dog, a house with six bedrooms, a white picket fence, a college fund, and yeah, designer clothes.  Yeah, Billy’s not buying it either.

When Kate sees her og argument isn’t working, she pulls out her trump card.  She tells Billy she wants him to have full custody of Dee.  And Billy’s all, “Whaaaaa?”  A playa can’t play if he’s toting a baby around 24/7.  Billy thinks quick and tells Kate there’s no reason for him to have Delia full time, because she’s an awesome mother.  It works, and Billy gets the hell out of dodge before Kate comes up with another great idea.

And on the boring side of town:

Chance tells his mother that he’s feeling Kate Valentine.  And Nina gives him the WTF face.

Next Nina tries to tell Chance that he shouldn’t get involved with Kate, because she’s a gold digging HO.   Um, Nina…pot. kettle. black.  That is all.  Phillip shows up, and reminds Nina of her past, and what people used to say about her.  That shuts her up real quick.  Meanwhile, Chance is like, hmm…

He goes home to find a brokenhearted Kate, and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to ask her out on a date.  Yeah, I can’t find it in my heart to care.  I think Kate said yes to the date, but I’d be lying if I said I was paying attention.

Until next time Bitches!

Speaking of Ash, Adumb is trying to convince her that Sabrina just might be alive and it’s working. They separate – Ash to talk with the Mustache and Adumb to rip apart one of his shirts so he can provide evidence of Ash’s hit and run.

Chance walks into the mansion after a busy day filing papers at the good old GCPD. I’m pretty sure that’s all he’s qualified for. He asks his mother if Kate’s around and Nina’s all, “You better not fall for that ho.” But Chance doesn’t want to talk about it. Kate, he says, is absolutely in love with Billy so it doesn’t matter if he falls for her or not.

At CL, Kate and Mac are fighting over Billy again. Kate’s all, “OMG, you’re a man stealing HO!” And Mac’s all, “Whatever. I still win!” Sweetie, that prize has been around. I wouldn’t be celebrating just yet if I were you. Kate calls her a home wrecker and Mac tells her that the home was wrecked long before she walked into the picture. But then baby Dee starts to cry and baby Kate starts to pout and suddenly Mac is putting her bitchface away and even apologizing.

Alas, Kate’s not accepting it and when her knight-errant, Chance, walks through the door she acts like Mac is the whore of Babylon. P4 tries to tame the flames but since you can’t send a boy to do a man’s job, he gets nowhere fast.

Kate claims that Mac is totally going to ruin Billy’s life and career when this whole having a mistress stuff goes public and it’s all kind of hilarious because really? Is it? This is GC where most of the citizens have had affairs and done considerably worse things – Kate included. No one in this town has any legs to stand on.

This conversation is going on in the middle of CL for everyone and I mean everyone to hear and that includes the weasely Jeffrey but Bardwell is looking as bored as I feel by this conversation. Finally, Mac drops some knowledge on Kate. She doesn’t believe the “affair” will ruin Billy’s career and even if it did it wouldn’t matter because she and Billy belong together. She also gives Kate some advice that I translated to mean, “Stop being so desperate and maybe you’ll get laid by someone who actually wants you.” In response, Kate gets up, calls Mac a slut one more time and runs out, P4 following closely behind her.

Back at the mansion, Kate’s tan lines are really upset but Chance is there to wipe her tears much to Nina’s dismay.

Earlier, Nina was visiting Paul at Jimmy’s where they discussed Nikki doing the whole runaway bride thing – but in a less Julia Roberts way – because of her obsession with “TGVN”.

Poor Paul. I think he’s still trying to figure out what went wrong.

Speaking of the old coot, he’s trying to get Ash to go away somewhere. As she’s hissing “NO,” for the fiftieth time, the useless teen trio of Abby, Noah and Eden, walk into the room, in one of the most awkward transitions I have ever seen. They want to hold a memorial for Zapato and Victor readily agrees.

Abby says that Zapato made her see dogs as more than fashion accessories.

Noah says “Z man” was a superhero.

And then Eden says something that I’m pretty sure is annoying and pointless.

I guess the death of a dog is supposed to count as a teen summer story…

Everyone leaves to give the Mustache a moment with his beloved dog when his phone rings. He gets news that the poison that took the Zap out of Zapato wasn’t something put there by the gardeners. He instantly realizes that this has MJ’s fingers all over this and pledges to the Z Man that she will not go unpunished. As he’s walking away he finds Nikki’s necklace on the ground.

He heads into the house and someone’s at the door – why it’s his undercover lover and his soon to be boy toy, Jackie and Billy Abbott! He wants to know what they’re doing there and they explain that they’ve come to retrieve their sister. Billy lost his tie somewhere between the GCAC and the ranch, which clearly means he means business. Unfortunately, the ‘Stache’s security team also means business and they are both encouraged to leave the premises. Jack knows when he’s beat and tells Billy that they’re leaving but – But – It’s not over!!!

They head over to CL where Billy finds out that Kate knows about Bac and Jack realizes that he has no sibling rights so he can’t even help Ashley. He also finds out about MJ killing Zapato.

Speaking of MJ, she walks into church and doesn’t automatically burst into flames – a good sign. She heads to the confessional where her priestly brother is waiting to listen to all her sins. She gives him the list: engaged in animal cruelty, lied, stole, committed adultery and spent much of her time in GC acting like a total psycho. She starts dishing about her hurt brother, quotes her mother, talks about her other brother who’s a priest and keeps dropping these clues that she’s Patty. MJ? Methinks the jig is up.

Next: Chance wants to be Kate’s boyfriend, Jeff & Glo invite MJ to stay at their pad and…

Moving forward, the Newman children that matter to Victor come by so he can tell them that Nikki left town. She’s called off the wedding. Something’s wrong with Victoria, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Cut to Paul telling the florist that the wedding’s off and he’s sorry to waste her time. Todd comes in and sits next to him, and Paul cries man tears.

Billy arrives at the mansion to pick up the spawn, who’s asleep. Mac comes down and Billy seems to brighten up a bit, commenting that she looks pretty beat. Is Mac creeping with Chris Breezy? She says she had a long night so I guess Chris beat it up in more than one way. OHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!

Chance comes downstairs in his grown man clothes. Kay remarks that she wishes Philly Trey was there to see him, but he brushes it off by saying that it’s just his first day of work. Kate congratulates him with a hug.

Billy’s all, “Wait – what? You’re a cop? That’s the weakest shit I’ve heard all day.” And Kate corrects him all “Exsqueeze you, he’s a detective.” Then Billy’s like “Oh, I’m sorry, nephew. That’s the dumbest shit I’ve heard all day.”

Kay says that if he needed a job, she could’ve gotten him a nice safe one at CI, but Chance thinks sitting around pushing paper in an office all day is the lamest shit ever – no offense, Billy. Kate jumps all over that by commenting on how Mac feels the same way! Gosh, don’t they have so much in common!! They would be great together!!! And it’ll keep Mac away from the husband who doesn’t love you!!!! Excellent plan.

Sharin’s in the police station after being busted running out of the jewelry store with the replica of Phyllis’s ring still on her finger. Rafe is her public defender, I guess. Sharin called Jack but he’s so upset with her that she doesn’t even know if he’s gonna show up.

Kay and Kate send Chance off to school – uh – work, and Kate re-enters the living room to tell Mac how bad Chance has it for her. Mac didn’t pick up on it because she can actually see. Kate thinks she should jump on that, as there aren’t too many dudes that find girls wearing combat boots sexy. Mac looks like she’d love to fling her hot cup of coffee all in that broad’s face.

Kay gets her out of the room by saying that the spawn is awake, and off they go. Mac quickly walks over to Billy, angrily telling him that he’s putting everyone in an impossible situation by not coming clean about the two of them being together. Billy needs more time, but Mac’s tired of that excuse. He tries to cover his ass by saying that he keeps putting it off because Kate’s a psycho. He flees the situation to go check on Ashley.

Jack shows up. WHAT A SURPRISE. The actual surprise is him telling her that if she thinks he’s gonna wrap his arms around her and tell her what she wants to hear then she shoulda called Nick.

Her regular lawyer is out of town, so they’ll just have to call Michael, which Sharin shoots down after there was some incident with Eden and books? Damn, that sounds lame. They have to get her out of jail, but then what? Sharin only plans on making this a one time thing, and that’s all fine and good but Jack still thinks she needs to get some help. She mentions seeing a therapist, but Jack knows that she only saw the therapist once and not even for a full session. Sharin squawks about how she can’t believe he would go behind her back like that, but Jack cuts her off by asking if she wants to deliver her baby in jail, because if not then she better get some help.

At the police station, Sexual Chocolate and Chance walk into the booking room where Jack immediately recognizes Chance, who introduces himself as Nina’s son. Jack’s like “OMG, little Phillip!” and Chance corrects him with that whole ‘call me Chance’ thing.

Jack introduces Chance to Sharin who’s basically like “WTF cares? I’m in jail right now. Play catch up on your own damn time.” Let me just say right now that Sharon Case is killing me softly. I could make this whole recap off of pics of Sharin making crazy face.

At Kay’s place, Kate’s wrapping up a phone call and announces to Mac that she’s going to make her a star by putting her and Chance in Reckless Style. Girl, close your legs, your agenda is showing. Mac goes to take a walk before she dropkick’s her, and Kate leaves to check on the spawn when Victor arrives to inform Kay that Nikki left town. Kay tells him to cut the crap and admit that Nikki confessed her never ending, undying love for him and that it means something.

Nick shows up to the station where Jack tells him that she doesn’t need to be handheld right now, and he needs to make her see that she needs professional help cuz bitch got problems.

Sharin’s mad that Nick’s there and goes off about being rescued and how she doesn’t need help, even though she’s giving crazy eyes the whole time. Nick asks if he can see the ring before they take it to the evidence locker, and asks Rafe if he can speak to her alone.

Kate resumes her real career – stalking – by tracking down Mac at the coffee shop and telling her that she gets why she wouldn’t want to be in RS. She brings up Chance again and Mac is about ready to beat that ass until she has to confess that the reason she’s not into Chance is because Billy’s been into her. All night long.

Next on Y&R:

We, of course, flash over to Paul and Nikki dining at the Club, as they talk about wedding plans, and Nikki looks so disinterested that Ashley could run in with a butcher knife and she’d be glad to get cut up if it meant not getting married.

Daniel comes into the apartment where Hamber is still packing her stuff. He asks if she needs help and she declines, so he’s like whatever, leaves the door wide open and goes over to his art stuff while she tries not to cry. As she’s leaving, he shouts for her to wait, and Hamber turns all hopeful. Oh, girl.

Billy brings Jack into the Abbott manse where he falls face first on the couch. As Billy covers Jack with a blanket, he asks if this is what it’s like being the responsible one. If I were grading his behavior, I would give him a C for not having a bottle of water on the table, and not having a bucket by Jack’s head.

Not that I’d know anything about that.

Dan wants his key back from Hamber, who can’t believe that they’re breaking up because he sexed up Deacon. But he tells her it’s not because of that, he just can’t handle the constant lying she does. I know there’s been talk about how that’s an inconsistency on Daniel’s part, considering how many lies and schemes they’ve been in on, but I can’t really say I blame him. If I found out my boo had a habit of baby stealing and cradle robbing the kids she babysat, I’d be a bit perturbed my damn self. Heaven, she needs a hug. Is there anybody out there willing to embrace a thug?

Kate’s talking to Chance about how no Chancellor has ever interviewed to be a cop. Chance corrects her by saying that he’s interviewing to be a detective, and I correct her by saying “Ho, you were raised off screen in a Swiss boarding school. Stop acting like you know.”

Somewhere along the way, in a really stupid, soap opera twist, Jack is conned into thinking Sharin’s come back to him, when it’s really MJ, and post production can’t even go half assed by having Jack see, like, blonde hair or something. He just believes it’s her off the strength of smelling her perfume. Nice going there, Jackie. He wakes up all WTF? And sees a letter from our girl with a kitty paw paperweight. Alrighty then!

Dan and Hamber argue about her being allergic to the truth, and how she was totally gonna tell him the truth about her past but it’s REALLY HARD and she’s been rejected and she knows how much it hurts and I really hate when Hamber gets upset because her words turn into a high pitched wine and then my ears bleed and I just found out that writing for this blog does not cover my medical insurance. She cries because Daniel can’t trust her, and I cry because my eardrums hurt.

Kay tells Mac that her having an affair with Billy is out of character for her. It’s always really funny to me when a show has a line like this, it just makes you wanna yell IF YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY, THEN WHY IS IT HAPPENING???? Mac mentions that Kate went into this marriage knowing that Billy didn’t love her, but Kay’s not sweating that. Mac’s always had a strong set of morals that she’s throwing away. Compromise for the one you love, but don’t sacrifice yourself in the process. Wise words from the HBIC.

Billy brings the spawn down in her car seat, and Jill decides that now that there’s a baby and two people unrelated to the situation in the room, it’s the perfect time to pick a fight with her baby boy.

Kate asks what happened, and after she’s told, does she:
A)Say, “Whoa, awkward!” and ask who would like a slice of pie?
B)Calmly interject by reminding them both that the spawn is there asleep, and now’s not the time to discuss it?
C) See the impending shitstorm, offer to give them a moment and get the spawn and Chance the hell out of dodge?

If you chose either of those answers, you have never seen this show and I must ask you to see yourself out.

Meanwhile, Billy’s verbally dropkicking his mother by throwing out if she needs some dough, she can always hop back on the proverbial horse, with that horse being a lonely rich guy.

Lauren!!! and Paul talk about the upcoming wedding and Victor. He knows that Victor will always be the love of her life, but she was looking for something different and better, and she found it in him! Then cut to Nikki looking at her engagement ring like she can’t wait to skip town on his ass.

Kay meets Nik at CL. They talk about the wedding and her love for Victor (So Deep), and how Kay should be happy for her that she found a good man like Kay did with Murphy. Kay’s all, “Girl you need to stop saying ‘love’ and ‘Murphy’ in the same sentence.”

We’re back at the mansion where Billy’s said his piece and is gonna leave with the kid. Jill’s not happy with only being called a gold-digging whore by her son, and decides to goad Billy by telling him that he always runs from responsibility. He’s like, “Really? I wonder where I learned that from? Perhaps it was all the times you ran away from raising me by handing me off to nannies and sending me off to boarding school?” Jill tells him that no matter what he thinks, she did her best. Well, her best sucked, says Weezy F. Abbott. Chance has had enough of listening to a conversation that’s none of his business and decides to get involved instead! Billy decides to play along and ask what he should do when his own mother used him as a pawn? Chance says that the first thing he should do is apologize. LOL. Boy, go to your room. No supper for you!

Jill says that apologies won’t help because the wounds are too deep, but then goes on to apologize for being a shitty mom. Billy just stares at her, and Jill’s all “See? Told ya. Too deep.”

Kay comes in and tells him that he needs to let all his resentment go because all he’s doing is hurting himself. Billy can’t believe that she’s championing Jill’s cause when their feud is older than he is. Who better to talk to about these things then, says Kay. She cares about him. Billy’s glad that at least someone does. Kate lovingly says that a lot of people do, and he gives this annoyed exhale like WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING? Billy leaves with the spawn and EH must’ve pissed off the writers because they actually give her the line “He (Billy) bends the rules like balloon animals.”

Jill and Kay discuss Kay’s talk with Billy. Kay says that she didn’t give him any more reasons to hate her, and wonders how much pain she could’ve spared both of them if she was just honest with herself that her marriage to Phillip 2: Electric Boogaloo just wasn’t that strong. He didn’t make her feel fulfilled the way Murphy does. She wonders if she hated Jill more than she really loved Phillip. Jill is understandably pissed, as for years Kay had beaten it into her head that she was this ho fo sho who stole her one true love away from her and ruined her life, and now she finds out that homegirl barely cared? All these years they went on hating each other, when Jill actually did them both a favor? It’s the cruelest thing Kay’s ever done.

Next on Y&R:

Watching the DVD puts Niclueless in a marrying mood so he drops down on bended knee and proposes to Red again. Instead of punching him in the face, Red giggles her agreement and I look on aghast because…Wtf is wrong with these people? Nick changes his mind for the tenth time about a marriage he’s in and Red happily goes along with it? Have all the women in GC gotten a lobotomy?

Let’s move on to the other pairing in this sad, sad quad. Jack is keeping a close eye on his dear love Sharin (read: stalking her). Unfortunately for him, Sharin discovers his stalking ways and calls him out on it. He tells her that he’s keeping a close eye on her because he thinks MJ’s coming after her but Sharin is strangely blasé about it. She is so unimpressed by the threat that not only does she tell Jack to ship out of the GCAC but she also hits him with a “the baby isn’t yours” parting gift.

Burn.

Over at the ranch, Boretoria is whipped. What daddy wants, daddy gets even if it means alienating her husband. I’m not complaining. JT just got his balls back and I kind of like it.

They discuss the CC situation and Ash overhears the conversation and the real reason CC’s no longer on the board (re: Flashgate).

Ash tells the ’Stach that she doesn’t like the situation but Victor gets the last word and talks her into accepting the board seat.

P3 & P4 are boring me with their family problems. I can’t say that I care about this and I’m still trying to figure out why I should. P3’s gay so he bailed. Chance is resentful and distant. Moving on.

You know who else is dealing with family issues? Billy and Jill. Billy bursts into the Chancellor estate screeching, “Didn’t you get my message!” like someone’s crazy ex girlfriend. After demanding to know about the Jabot saga Jill finally tells Billy the truth: She never wanted him in charge and it was the ‘Stache that put her up to it. But it’s all good because, “It wasn’t personal.” It was just business.

Then Jill lists why Billy is a screw-up and why her fake son is awesome and it’s truly heart-warming, Hallmark worthy stuff and it’s shocking, just shocking, that Billy’s not eating it up. She’s all, “What do you want from me? Motherly love or something?” Billy tells her that he doesn’t want anything from her and peaces out.

Jill thinks she’s safe until P3 walks through the door and he’s not letting Jill off the hook either:

But since he’s most likely high – he is most of the time, right? – he forgives her for all those bad years long ago. Well, that was easy.

Meanwhile, a bitter Billy runs into Jimmy’s mad at the world. He barks at JT, gets dissed and then sinks onto a barstool to explain to Mac why his life sucks. He whines about Jill helping the ‘Stache to steal Jabot, conveniently forgetting that he did something similar to her. But more than anything he’s mad at Victor and wants to tell Ashley about the snake she married but Mac wants him to ease off. Once Mac steps away, however, Billy heads out…

…and finds himself facing off with Victor.

Next on Y&R: Another stupid plot line, Billy tells Ashley the truth about Victor and…