Y&R Recap. Monday, April 27th 2009

“Hello? Is someone there?” Just me, Ash. Oh and a baby crying. Oh and Ash? Asking a baby questions … well, just don’t expect an answer anytime soon.

Whacko & Jacko are hanging out at the Abbott mansion and MJ mentions wanting to take a picture of Jack in front of the portrait of his father in the study. Jack’s all “how the eff do you know about that?” Umm, Jack, did you ever stop to think that you might have known this psycho in the past? Haven’t you ever seen a soap opera before? God. Anyway, MJ explains that she read about his home and Jack kind of, sort of buys it. He asks her what else she has in store for him and she’s all, “How about four bullets in the head this time?”

DA! Heather is still stupidly in TGVN’s house.
Victor: Why isn‘t my foot up your ass yet?
Heather: Adam. Adam. Adam!
Victor: I‘m going to go deal with my psycho fiancé. You had better be gone when I get back.
Heather: … I’m going to go stalk Adam now.

Adam’s closing the window in his room when Heather appears behind him all “I’m going to say something pointless about the weather so you don’t ask why I’m here.” Adam asks her what she’s doing there anyway and she claims that she figured he’d be concerned about Ashley so she came up to his room to check. She also closed the door behind her and leaned into him provocatively. Girl, who are you trying to kid?

Adam’s all, “Yeah, that’s actually why I had my window open. I heard her calling out and I wanted to see what was up. It definitely wasn’t because I have a recording of a baby crying on a boom box that I was holding up over my head 80s movie style in order to send her over the edge.” Heather’s all, “Wow, that’s a really nice bed.”

Ash & TGVN with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel are, I’m pretty sure, in the same woods that Kevin & Alvin are hanging out. Ash tells him about the crying baby and Victor clearly thinks she’s losing it but he placates her and ushers her into the house.

Back at the ranch, Adam fakes concern. Estella rushes in asking Ashley if she’s all right. “I really can’t stand you but as I was walking the dog I heard you calling out. I didn’t hear a baby crying except maybe I did but I’m not going to say anything because Ihateyousomuch.”

DA! Heather is still being desperate and hanging out in Adam’s room just asking, asking to be taken on the floor. She’s all, “Should I get naked in here or …?” Adam finally realizes that he’s very close to missing out on a sure thing and they end up in bed together. After the act, Adam gets his first taste of what a stalker looks like when Heather tells him, “I’m never going to go anywhere again. Never.” And somewhere TGVN is loading his gun.

After their, uh, magical night Adam sends Heather off only to come face to face with daddy dearest. Victor chooses to threaten Adam about Ashley, “If you ever think of bothering her, I will bitchslap you for a second time.” Adam’s like “Little ol’ me? Why I’d never do such a thing,”

Over at CL, Daniel – who’s about to go do some aerobics, at least that’s what the track jacket he’s wearing is telling me – Gloria, Michael and the gang all discuss Kevin’s plight and th… Zzzzzzzz. God this is boring.

Forward to Gloria admitting to everyone that she used Kevin by making him manipulate Kay. She apologizes for her part in this mess and Kay sweetly tells her that Kevin is more than forgiven. He’s proven to her countless times that he’s her friend. She and Gloria, however, are done. Even Murphy gets up from his seat to tell Gloria off. I think that means you have to give the wedding invitation back Gloria.

Meanwhile the object of their concern is off somewhere in the woods. He and Alvin are sitting on a log discussing their next move.

Kevin: Now what?
Alvin: It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together.
Kevin: But people are probably worried about me.
Alvin: Who cares about them when you’ve got ME?

Unfortunately, for Alvin, Kevin’s not down with this scenario and he makes it clear by walloping Alvin with a stick. Alvin, pretty much fed up with Kevin and his whining, responds by karate chopping Kevin in the neck.

Kevin: WTF Theodore?
Alvin: I WILL cut a bitch if you backtalk me again. Do not play with me. And, it’s ALVIN!
Kevin: *mumbles* I am Jennifer Lopez.
Alvin: What the hell are you talking about?
Kevin: I have had ENOUGH.

They get their brawl on.

Back at CL, Daniel finally realizes that he might just be the worst friend ever and decides to help Kevin out. And his method of helping is to incite Kevin into performing animal cruelty. With Daniel’s voice encouraging him, Kevin attacks Alvin: “This is for Terrible Tom *whack* And for Clint *punch* This is for the lady who gave me ice cream when I asked for PB&J! *kick* This is for my shoelace being untied *whap* And this is for my underwear being too tight. *smack*”

The buddy film has really gone awry, folks.

Finally, the Chipmunk’s head flies off and the face that stares back at Kevin isn’t Alvin’s but his own. How do you like that for clunky symbolism? All kidding aside, it’s good to see Kevin finally face his inner demons. The fact that he finally had the courage and the strength to fight back means he’s taken the first step to recovery.

When he finally wakes up from his stupor, he is no longer in TGVN’s backyard but in his rather comfortable looking padded cell. He notices that Michael, Gloria, Daniel and Poor!Jana are watching him and he’s all,” Why am I in a psych ward?” And they’re all, “Well, you see, there was this explosion and a kook in an orderly’s outfit and a bank robbery or three or four and …” And Kevin’s all, “Dudes! I had that same dream! Trippy.”

Jana holds his hand, thankful that he’s back to her. Michael almost suffocates him in an embrace, tears welling up in his eyes and I can’t make fun of any of it because it’s rather sweet. The storyline was long and painfully stupid at times but that bit of love, that bit of heart was good to see. Now with that said, *punch* GTFO Alvin. That one was for me.

Next on Y&R: Ash still thinks there’s a baby somewhere. Nick & Red have the same conversation they’ve been having for the last two months and …